Aging in Place

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The following is for informational purposes only. For medical advice, please see a medical professional.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Welcome to Staying Alive with Margaret and Susie. In this episode today, we're we're calling it aging in place, which is a really huge topic. And uh we we don't necessarily mean staying in the same place where we live, but we're talking about are we in our forever homes? And why is this important? And um it's interesting, there's a new expression. I don't know if you've heard it, Susie. It's called either the I've heard it called the senior tsunami, the silver tsunami, and the gray tsunami. Have you heard of that? And that's basically us baby boomers. Um in in the next four years, by 2030, we will make up one-fifth of the entire population of the United States. That's surprising. And um, and I I heard that one quarter of us live in one of three states, California, Florida, or Texas. And and I I live in in California, as some of you know. And so uh if if we're all aging and have the same needs at the same time, there are not gonna be enough places available to put us all, as there were in our parents' generation. And we have to figure it out. We have to figure out are we able to stay in place or not? And how are we gonna make that decision? And um, and as I thought about it, I I came up with three topics like Susie and I, I don't know, here's another one. I don't know if you've heard, have you heard of the 40-70 rule? This this is something that was re-invented from some other terminology around decision-making process. But what they're saying nowadays with um aging groups is like uh when you're in your 70s and the younger people in your life are in their 40s, perhaps your children, perhaps not, that's when you have to start having these conversations. And we can start them. It's better to me, it's better for our kids or younger people if we're the ones starting them. So we're in our 70s, we need to start having these conversations, we need to figure it out. And Susie and I are just in the beginning stages of that, as you're gonna hear as we talk about it. And so um we don't have it all figured out. So, you know what? We guys, we're probably gonna be revisiting this topic over and over again, perhaps as we make changes in our life. And as as I saw for today's episode, I came up with three scenarios. We're gonna talk about the pros and cons. Um, number one, making accommodations to stay in place where we are. Is that reasonable? Number two, downsizing where we are to get ready to move into a smaller, more manageable space. Or number three, um, moving into a more communal situation that would probably need to be multi-generational because if we're all the same age, we can't get all our needs met because we're all gonna be stopping driving at the same time. So, so I was thinking about like what factors do we need to take into account? Of course, there's home safety and like what's going on inside our home, but then also um, do we have the physical ability to maintain our home, including do we have the money to maintain it? Right. Uh, and if we stay in our home uh wherever we live, do we have the transportation we need to get where we where we need to get to?

SPEAKER_03 4:08

You know, Margaret, I started having this conversation with my husband last year um because it suddenly hit me that there were a lot of things around my house that I'm not sure that we should be doing anymore, but also did we want to do? You know, there's also that aspect of it. It's like, do you want to spend your the last part of your life doing home maintenance, you know, taking care of a house, taking care of, you know, the windows, the gutters, the the maintenance, or do you want to be doing other things with your life? Do you want to be traveling? Do you want to be socializing? Do you want to do painting? Or, you know, I mean, there's just it's interesting. And we started having conversations about what is this what we want to do.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Yeah.

unknown 4:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Let me just tell people for those who don't know, uh, Susie is a homeowner, she owns her own home, and she'll describe that a little bit. And I am a renter in an urban area. So um making accommodations to stay in place for me actually is not an option because I know my landlady, and even if I said, I'll have the money to pay for it, I'll make all the accommodations necessary, I'll put my own money into it, and I will leave the money to restore the place to its original, she would say, absolutely not. Move out. You have no legal right to do that.

SPEAKER_03 5:46

Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

And so I already know for certain that I do not live in a place where I could make accommodations to stay in place. But Susie could. And so let's just let's just stick with that first uh topic to to kind of talk through how would one decide that. Like, because my parents made the decision to stay in place, and and what they needed was, and they had, was the money to pay people to do every single thing that they used to do. And so you you know, Susie would need to look at her budget and say, okay, how much would I need to pay a gardener to do the gardening Johnny and I do? How much would the yard work cost? Um, how much will it cost?

SPEAKER_03 6:36

To get the windows washed.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

To get the windows washed. Um, like I just looked into it.

SPEAKER_03 6:41

It was a lot.

SPEAKER_02 6:43

I happen to know Susie and Johnny did their own house painting the last time. How much does the house painting cost? How how often do we need to redo the outside windowsills? Because we live in the northwest and we don't want you know, we we have to keep those in good shape. Like uh just go down the list of everything.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of stuff. Yeah, it's a lot of stuff. And um, and then also you I sort of felt like okay, I have X amount of years left in my life, yeah. And this all the stuff that we do currently at our house, we enjoy doing the yard and the garden and stuff. I I really love that. But is it what I want to be doing?

SPEAKER_02 7:28

Yeah. I'm not sure. And for some people it is, like my my father, and perhaps even your spouse, who's been a gardener and an arborist or is, um, perhaps that is what they want to be doing. Perhaps that's the greatest joy.

SPEAKER_03 7:44

It was it is what he wants to do, definitely. Yeah, he he loves it. He would live outside in, you know, in the in the nice weather. He would never come in the house.

SPEAKER_02 7:52

And that becomes tricky too if um when uh a couple is not on the same page. Perhaps one person wants to be at home gardening all day long, whereas another wants to keep going to the bridge club. So they would rather be in a senior living situation where they could have friends and play bridge all day long because none of their friends can drive anymore and now they're socially isolated. So you know you really know yourself.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

You do. And I had a friend who who worked at a uh senior area agency on aging. And when my mother was starting to get dementia, she said to me, one of the real key things that you don't want to do with a person who's starting to have some memory problems is move them a lot. You don't want them to be changing residences, like oh, you know, like, oh, we're gonna live here for a while, and then in this apartment, then we're gonna go to this facility, and then we're gonna live with a family member. It makes it really hard on the person.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:57

So that's something to think about too.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

And and that's what where like the 40-70 rule rule comes in, because what they know statistically is the decision has to be made in your 70s. By the time you're in your 80s, then you're just and stuff happens. You're just a victim to the forces. And I I know my mom when she hit her 80s, she kept telling me over and over again, I made a mistake, we should have moved, we should have moved, we should have moved because her social life was over and she was devastated by that. She didn't care anything about going out in the yard and doing one stick of yard work, you know.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

But she had a social life, yeah. Yeah, it's really true. And that gets, you know, location becomes a really big deal. My mother was faced with not being able to see a lot of her friends when she got older because they lit, you know, they lived in the Seattle area where traffic was terrible. People couldn't drive, they couldn't get around like they they wanted to. And so those are all considerations. And then we all know that certain things happen. And when I worked for Meals on Wheels, um, it, you know, Meals on Wheels is a program that deals with people who are homebound. It's not an income-based program. And I saw situations where people were stuck because they hadn't made the decision to move, and then they were in a situation where they really couldn't move because they had physical limitations. And you really need to have a plan. We even had a client who ended up in the hospital for over a month. Guess what? His landlord moved him out of his house while he was in the hospital.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

I mean, you know, you really need to have a plan.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Yeah. I mean, luckily, I live in a city where there are laws that protect that. And I could soon get a lot of money if somebody did that to me.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

It was like, whoa.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

But I don't want to be uh, you know, a victim to the forces of whatever happens. I I'm I'm a planner and I I want to plan for this. And so I know that I'll be moving in in the next um five, 10 years at the very most. And and I'm deciding where that is. And I know for me, um, I don't want to downsize to a smaller um manageable space. I do want to, I think I do want to live communally, and I'll I'll circle back to that, like what my vision is around that. But one thing I wanted to say about um downsizing to a smaller place, let's focus on that for a minute. In our parents' generation, as Susie sort of suggested, they just moved into senior living situations. And I know that my parents, you know, my mother and her girlfriends when when a two of them were ready to go, because oftentimes um the the men died before the their wives. That wasn't the case in my parents' situation, but um then then then the the the single the widows were like let's move together to such and such uh uh nursing home, you know. So then they they would they buddied up in the places that they went, and they were all nice places and because they had resources. But you know, that's not the state of affairs for most people in this country, nor is it the situation that uh our baby boomer age population is gonna be dealing with because we're gonna be competing for those resources and only the super rich, which we are not, are gonna are gonna get the decent places to live.

SPEAKER_03 12:48

Yeah, it's very challenging.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

And and so um if we decide to downsize or or move or have to move in in probably my case, uh, we have to think about how we're gonna do that. So downsizing to a small manageable space, that's possible. I mean, I know that's one of the reasons people move to Florida because there are lots of living situations like that. There are communities that have been built, built up that way, and they often include very expensive um HOA fees. I mean, these 55 plus communities, there are places to go, but then it still can be an isolating situation. There can be transportation issues when people move and they don't have any friends in an area, that's something to consider. So um it's a lot to consider downsizing. But um, if you think you might want to downsize and you know you need to downsize, it's always good to start with where you're at and just start getting rid of stuff. I mean, Susie, you told me you started to take take loads to uh Goodwill or wherever.

SPEAKER_03 14:11

Yeah, I take, yeah, I donate a lot of stuff. And it feels good to do that. I've also discussed with my daughter, who's 41. So, what of this stuff do you want? You know, I ask her all the time, do you want this stuff? You know, because I have things that, you know, she already has a house full of stuff, you know. Does she need my stuff? So we we talk about it. And sometimes she says, Yeah, yeah, I'll keep it, or yeah, yeah, I don't want it.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

My son doesn't want anything except in digital format, digital format, anything to anything I can take a picture of, send it to him. And and um I have a lot of things that I inherited from my mom and my grandma. And last time he came, he said, it's like a mausoleum in here, you know, and he's my only child. And he's thinking, what am I gonna do with this stuff? I can't throw grandmas such and such a way. I'll be I'll be cursed, you know, by the dad. Like, oh my god, you know. So we really do, you know, in in this for the sake of our children or family members, if we don't have kids, we need to take care of our SHIT ourselves. Okay. So like so maybe Susie and I can have an episode where like we we talk about clearing out clutter and like what we got rid of this week, you know.

SPEAKER_03 15:29

That that would be like I'd like that because I I am better at it than my husband, let's just put it that way. Way better.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

That would be like really inspiring what was under the house for 25 years, we got rid of it.

SPEAKER_03 15:46

You know, it's like we haven't looked at it in 20.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

There's a term in Sweden called Swedish death cleaning, you know. It's like because we don't want to leave a bunch of stuff for people.

SPEAKER_03 15:57

My mother got rid of most of her stuff, and I was so grateful. Yeah, so grateful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

So um, I'm gonna move on because we're we don't want to make this too long, and we're gonna keep revisiting it. The the third idea is to live in a multi-generational community situation. Um, and uh as as opposed to moving into a senior nursing home or whatever they call it.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Assisted living.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Assisted living type situations where where it's graduated and then you can move up. Because um that that was fine for my parents' generation who didn't mind having an activity director and an activity board that told you what to do every day, but uh that doesn't really suit with our generation too well. We want to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_03 16:49

My mother lived in one of those, my mother lived in one of those kind of places, and what I noticed is and I have even visited since then because my grandson went to a uh daycare center next door. The culture just wasn't upg updated. It would have to dramatically change in order to facilitate my generation.

SPEAKER_02 17:10

Yeah, my son, my son was visiting uh a friend's family member, I think, at one of those places, and the they were having music day, and the guy was singing like um music from the 1950s, and I thought to myself, wait, those people look like they're my age. Like, you know, why isn't he singing like Rod Stewart or something?

SPEAKER_03 17:32

You know, like come on. Exactly. They haven't really, you know, it's hard, it's hard, I'm sure, because some people are in their 90s and some people are in their 70s, but they need to update the culture in some of those places. I have to say that our senior center has done a really good job of that. Um and they should be a model for some of these assistant living places.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

So I'm interested in a different kind of communal living situation. Like if if I own my own place, um, like, and and I've heard of this done where I live, uh if I um I might bring in a younger couple and sign my house over to them, you know, if I didn't have kids. Like I have a a friend in town here who just recently got um diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. She's single, she lives alone in her condo, she has no heirs, and um we're kind of talking about that. Like I know some young couples that would be so happy to take care of you, Eileen, and um think about it because the one thing we do have as we're older is we have resources. I mean, I do anyway. I have some resources. Younger people need resources, younger people are and they need housing.

SPEAKER_03 18:52

The price of housing these days, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

They need jobs and we can provide those. And so um I I've I've talked about it.

SPEAKER_03 19:01

I could even do that in my house, Margaret. I could I could easily do that in my house because I have an upstairs that has a bathroom, and I have thought of that. You know, we could have someone else live here, and they could have the upstairs and we could have the downstairs, and that's kind of in our plans. Yeah. If it doesn't work out uh that way, I mean, we do have a daughter who can help out, but it may be that may be what we do.

SPEAKER_02 19:23

Yeah, yeah, that's really great. Yeah, and um I have a couple different communal situations like that I've heard about in in my family. I know that my my niece, for instance, her, her partner, his parents just moved out of their house in Florida into a senior living place, and they're keeping the house and they're thinking about, and they're actually decided the scene the parents hated the senior living place. They're moving back home and they're hiring people. And and my niece said, and mom, when the time comes, you're moving in there too. We're all gonna be living there, we're all gonna be living there. No, um, I don't have a a a child who uh who would be interested at all in that. But you know what? My cousin has kids that would be interested in that, and they need the money, you know, and so and so that's in the back of my mind. Um, well, I can always go live with Jen and and pay her daughter to take care of me. Like, you know, my sister asked me that, like, well, where would you go? Like, so I'm just lucky that I do have a lot of connection to family and friends where I know I can figure it out when the time comes. But I would I would like to be more proactive about it. I have a friend who's moving now to uh a community where her daughter owns a large plot of land. And this is actually in the Midwest, outside of Madison, Wisconsin, and um they're gonna be building there. And I said, uh, hey, I'm I'm I'm up for that. You know, like I know your kid your family are all musicians and they have the same thinking as I do. If they if they want to build a community, I'm I'm in. And so I'm still considering that. And and what I like about that is it's not too long of a drive to Minneapolis, and that's where Mayo Clinic is. And one of my considerations is I want to be living somewhere where I have access to good health care, you know. So um we're gonna we're gonna keep brainstorming about this because I know I've got some big things to figure out. If Susie remodels her house and and brings someone in, we may introduce them on this episode on this program sometime, you know.

SPEAKER_03 22:00

It's just something I I just saw so many situations again when I was working at Mills on Wheels where people kind of felt stuck. And so it's important to to realize that you're not gonna get younger. Right. You know, you're gonna have some health concerns. Almost all people do.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:17

And sometimes they're minor, sometimes they're major.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:21

And you don't you don't know. And and so it's important to really be thinking about it. That's that's the bottom line. Be thinking about it.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

And I I hope you heard me saying that the the time to do it is 70. Because um that when people feel stuck, unless they have had major health problems, it the uh the average age where people feel stuck is in your 80s. And so like this is this is the time and definitely in your 90s. And so this is the time to do it right now. And Susie are gonna and I are gonna cut circle back to this topic many times as we go through this process with you all. So let's end it there. Um like and subscribe and um and and check out.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Check out our website. Yeah. Staying alive with Margaret and Susie S U S Y.com.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

Okay, and so until next time, we are staying alive.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

You've been listening to Staying Alive with Margaret and Susie. This show is hosted by Margaret Cooley and Susie Hymas. To subscribe to our show, leave a comment, or ask a question, please visit staying alive with margaretandsuzy.com. Our podcast is available on all major podcast platforms. If you've enjoyed our program, please feel free to leave us a five star review. Thanks for listening.